Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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