Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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