did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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