Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
