So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize