I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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