It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
