I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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