He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
