I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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