im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
