Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
