Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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