true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
