I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
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