The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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