Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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