This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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