i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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