Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
