sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
