i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
