Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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