it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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