dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
