We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
