my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
