my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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