one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
