I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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