A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize