so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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