clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
