What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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