I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
