Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
