u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
