In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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