I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
