My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Your dad touched me again.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
