You're completely useless in the revolution.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I can't put those talents on a resume
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
