just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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