The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Randomize