Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
