i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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