my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
