maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
