I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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