walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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