i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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