so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
