I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
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