i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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