i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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