Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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