I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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