last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
