Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
