i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
