I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
