I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
